He said, ‘He had no right to bring his mistress to Carol Reed’s house for dinner.’ I said, ‘But I had my mistress with me.’ Evelyn’s reply was, ‘That is quite different. She is a married woman.’
It isn’t, as my family has always conspired to make me believe and as H. G. in his sadism loved to tell me, that I am a neurotic who cannot stand up to life, but that I am healthy and I have been preyed on by neurotics till they have bled me nearly white. So there we are. I feel better, but accursedly alone.
Marriage, of course, is a bloody monster, but it eats up many little snakes.
Walking through the dark, to a strange place, with that mystical lantern in the trees, I could hear the early bells, calling for vesper-services. All day long, I had been reading scrawls on rocks in red paint: “Jesus Saves”; “Prepare to meet thy God”….All told, you see, it was a devil of a solemn hour.
…I feel I exist here, and I feel I shall exist hereafter,—to what purpose you will decide; my destiny rests with you…
I’ve been escorting la belle dame sans mercip [Edie Parker] around all morning — first to Louise’s, now to jail. I haven’t a permit, so I won’t visit you.
I eat — because you wish it; I go on living — because you wish it; I play billiards, and billiards, & billiards, till I am ready to drop — to keep from going mad with grief & with resentful thinkings.
And I have ranged the changeable with the continuing. Also I have set down some things which I believe and some things which have not been said for a long time and which should be said and must be said, particularly since they are true.
As for myself, I would not have my life a very regular play, let it be a tolerable farce, and a fig for the critical Unities! For the generality of men, a true modern life is like a true modern play, neither Tragedy, Comedy, nor Farce, nor one, nor all of these…
Imagine a blend of reverie, sympathy, and respect, together with 1,000 childish deeds, full of seriousness, and you’d have a rough idea of something very sincere that I feel incapable of defining more sharply…